The Prospect of a Lengthy Illness

While researching my own vestibular disorder (Labrynthitis), I have had to face the fact that I might be facing a long-term illness. I am lucky in regards to the experiences of other vestibular sufferers. I was diagnosed pretty quickly with a vestibular disorder, whereas a lot of people have to wait months and/or years for a diagnosis. I am still waiting for my ENT appointment day after tomorrow where I hope to either get a confirmation of my diagnosis, or a correct diagnosis. Labrynthitis is a "best guess" given by an urgent care doctor who recognized my symptoms of vertigo and balance issues, and ruled out other causes. Back to the prospect of facing a long-term illness.

From what my doctors have told me, inner ear disorders can stretch out over several months or several years. In my case, I had a severe upper respiratory infection, and my inner ear was most likely damaged or at least inflamed. Will my inner ear heal and the vertigo and dizziness go away? Going into my fifth week of symptoms, I am becoming less optimistic. I am going into the second week of unpaid leave from my job. I simply cannot do the physical things right now that I could do only 6 weeks ago. It is a pretty depressing thing right now for me. Luckily, I had decided to take online classes to finish my degree so I would have more time for my family. If I had not done this, I most certainly would have had to withdraw from my classes. So I focus right now on getting good grades.

Guilt

I am struggling with feeling quite guilty right now. My husband has suddenly become the sole income for our family. He has taken everything in stride and is working overtime shifts to help compensate for my loss of income. He has been very good to me, and I am so grateful I have him as a husband. I went from being an active, busy person to wobbly, exhausted and unsure in a matter of weeks. I haven't worn makeup or bothered to dress nicely since my first onset of symptoms almost 5 weeks ago. Bone-numbing fatigue sets in after small tasks, so dressing up or doing my hair is not a priority. He combed mats out of my long hair the other night because I have been too tired to do anything other than bathe and eat. I only drive short distances when I am having a good day, which is every now and again. I rely on my husband or my mom for rides since there is no public transportation where we live. I am almost completely reliant on my husband now, which makes me feel like a drain on him. I am not contributed to our finances, which makes me feel even guiltier. My husband is optimistic, thinking I will recover sooner than I think, and he has been 100% supportive. I know how lucky I am to have that. I also feel guilty for not being as "fun" a mom as I used to be. Fortunately, my 7 year-old daughter is very easy-going and loves to read, play video games, or watch movies. 

Depression

I will be totally honest on this blog. I have been quite depressed recently. Feeling dizzy, nauseous and tired all the time, day after ,day, wears on you and I have only been doing this a few weeks. I can't imagine someone having this type of disorder for years. The thought of it makes me even more depressed. The fact that I am very dependent now on people for rides to the grocery store is extremely hard for me as I am very independent person. The fact that I cannot put my dogs in the car and go hiking, or take my daughter cool places without lengthy planning is very difficult. Being unable to work and facing the prospect that I will no longer be able to participate in my lifelong love of horseback riding is quite hard for me. My job revolved around horses. I am simply too unsteady to be around them. If I were to ride and fall off, or stumble and scare one of the horses...the consequences could be dire, not just for me but for others. My only other job experience is in the restaurant industry. I could not work around grills or stoves, or carry tray when I am falling over at random times throughout the day. Thankfully, I am able to work on my online classes towards my degree. 

Adapting

I like to think I am a practical person. For a little over a month now, I have been ill and walking can be a challenge when I am having a lot of dizziness or vertigo. I have adapted somewhat to my symptoms. I bought a lightweight, aluminum cane off ebay last week. It does give me more confidence when I am walking, especially when I feeling dizzier than normal. I am a little embarrassed to use it out in public; I know that is just my ego coming into play. In the next few days, I would like to take my dogs for a walk around the neighborhood. Having my cane with me will definitely help me feel more confident. It has also kept me from falling at least once the other day.

Daily Goals

Since I am so exhausted, I have been setting goals for myself. For 5 weeks, it was eat and bathe. Now it is eat, bathe, brush my hair, do one thing around the house like a load of laundry or dishes, stand outside for a few minutes without my cane. Get the mail without my cane if I am feeling up to it. Go somewhere at least once a week, even if it means getting a ride from someone. Do one thing for my appearance, like wax my eyebrows or paint my toenails. I typically feel worse in the evenings and the dizziness will tend to get more intense, so I plan to have my goals done by around 7 pm. Then I relax for awhile and don't do anything the rest of the night. This is working pretty well for me. Today, my mom is taking me to the grocery store. I am feeling dizzier today than I have in awhile, so I will be using my cane in the grocery store for the first time.